The "gift" of becoming a woman (Men...read at own risk)!

As the mother of a pre-teen daughter, I have not mentally prepared myself for what is to come in the next year or so.  I have done what I thought I could by being open with my girls about what it means to have a period, what will happen to them, etc.  But, after listening to my pre-teen last night read to me a small book she received from school about starting puberty, i'm challenged with how to explain to my daughter that when it happens it is a "Blessing"! 

As she's reading things from this book, it's explaining how as she starts puberty she will begin to grow hair under her arms, leg hair will get darker/thicker and she'll get hair in the nether-regions.  Hmmm.....man, that sounds fun, right?  Now you get to shave your armpits, legs and make sure that your bikini line is trimmed.  Fun, fun!  Then it goes into how without exercise and good nutrition she could gain weight more easily.  Again, what a blessing it is to be so thin and then realize that now that your a WOMAN you can get fat much, much easier.  Still reaching here for something that makes her glad she's going to be starting her period!  She reads me a piece about how your skin and hair gets oily.....come on!  I know the purpose of the book, but you HAVE to give this kid something that is going to excite her going through all these changes.  Tell her that she will be able to have xray vision or something!  So, basically she has hair she doesn't want, she can get fat more easily, she's going to be oily and greasy, AND she will be moody and cry at the drop of a hat.  Wow......sounds like something I wish I could relive over and over again.  Slowly the reality of what is about to happen is sinking in and by bedtime i'm rolling around anticipating a lot of challenges I thought I was prepared for because let's face it, i've done it, but trying to convince her that i'm here for her, and that we can talk about this stuff because I have been through it, just is not somewhere she wants to go.......at least not yet.

This leads me to a funny story that i've shared with some of my gal friends before....again, if your a man and your still reading then your a glutton and I have no sympathy for you.  When I was 14 my girlfriend and I had planned this great day at BIG SPLASH!!!  You know, when Big Splash was so awesome and as a pre-teen girl you could go there without your parents staying and run around all thin and cute in your little bikini and check out all the boys.  Well, the day before we were to go, I started my period.  Now what?  There was no way we could cancel, I mean that would be the biggest disappointment of the year.  So, she and I walked to the Walgreens down the street to buy my first box of tampons.  There was a boy checker, so I had to go find a woman to ring me up because it was just TOO devastating to do that in front of a boy!!!  I take my box to the bathroom and begin to read the instructions.  Looking back on this moment makes me smile, but as i'm reading how I need to lay on the floor, put my leg up on the tub or toilet, turn my head to the right, close one eye, you get my drift here, right?  As this is going on and I am totally freaked out, my mom is knocking on the door to see if I need "help".  Really?  Help?  Yes mom, come in and look at me naked and help me put in this tampon.  I know now as a mom who is soon to face such challenges that she was probably as lost as I currently am and just wanted to help me make it through this whole transition.  Somehow, I got it to work and Big Splash here we come.  Spent the day at Big Splash, and when it was time to get out of the wet clothes, I could not wait to take this thing OUT.  But, I could not find the string.  Being in the water it had washed up my crack, and I wasn't searching for it so I thought it had fallen out in the pool somewhere.  I was mortified!!!  My tampon was swishing back and forth in the wave pool and someone would find it and they would somehow KNOW it was me.  Later in the day of course the string appeared and I could squash all of these really stupid thoughts, but hey..when your 14, what do you know?  No one told me it couldn't fall out!  Now, I think about those directions on how to use it and laugh hysterically.......

So, I guess i'm about to be on an interesting ride and i'm hoping that my kiddo as she transitions realizes somehow that becoming a woman IS a good thing, although i'm not sure why just yet other than the fact that you have now come into your ability to torture men and get what you want.  HA!

The Morning HORRID Routine

I often wonder if my girls save up all their dumbness for mornings just to punish me.  What they would be punishing me for I have no clue, but hey, why not......I only have to get to work each day by 8am.  I only have to work in order to provide for them.  So, why not make that experience prior to leaving for this job the most miserable that they possibly can so I leave the house wanting to punch them in the face!

Each morning starts with me up first, showered and then off to get them out of bed.  That consists of turning on their lights, telling them to get up, waiting for some sort of movement and then off to finish getting ready.  About 10 minutes in I have to do a check because if I have not heard from Kimery to tattle to me that her sister is not out of bed yet, then odds are they are both still passed out.  What I normally walk into is Kimery ready to go (after brushing her hair 400 times because stars do that), but brushing her teeth and Caitlin staring at herself in the mirror.  Not sure if she's hoping that if she stares long enough she will magically be ready to go or if she is somehow in a wake up zombie state that won't allow her to move.  No matter whether I wake these children up an hour before they need to catch the bus or 30 minutes before, I am still yelling my head off to get them out the door.  It doesn't take me an hour to shower, make up, fix hair and get dressed, so why would it take two children who have nothing to do but put on some clothes, brush their hair/teeth so long?  I am constantly baffled by this process, yet it's an everyday thing.  It also makes me very fearful for the years ahead when they do actually do something more to their mops than brush them. 

I want to start telling these children how their routine each morning is going to cause me so much stress that I will kill over one day standing in the kitchen signing papers that should of been signed the night before when we asked 40 times "do you have everything ready for school", looking at fundraisers that are due TODAY, and explaining why they can't take odd things in their backpacks.  But, as a parent I am not allowed to scare my children into thinking they will kill me.  I mean, I like a good guilt trip, but should it really happen I don't want them to blame themselves, so I take the hits one at a time all morning long.

Today was even more spectacular than some of the other mornings.  Caitlin has horrid allergies.  She takes two pills each day for it and we've seen a doctor a million times who says, "she has allergies".  I go to wake her up and there is a pile of Kleenex (used Kleenex) on the floor next to her bed.  She sits up, tells me she is really sick and lays her head back down.  Now, i'm not one of those moms that finds joy in my kid getting a certificate each year because they made it to school each and everyday.  I find that to be a HUGE accomplishment, but not one that I make my kids strive for.  If they feel bad, I am sure that they don't want to sit in school all day feeling that way, so I allow them the occasional skip.  I tell Caitlin she can stay home and go about my merry way continuing to get ready for work.  Kimery comes in to ask me if her sister is staying home, so I say in a really empathetic way "yes, she is not feeling very good today".  Her response "well, if she's so sick why is she in her room playing her xbox?".  WHAT?????  I go check and sure enough at 6:30 am she is sitting in front of her TV playing her XBOX, however she is SOOO sick she cannot go to school.  Guess where she is right now?  If you guessed at home sick, you are incorrect!

Scott often wonders why I am so gripy and I  have two wonderful excuses.  It is hard to recover from a day that starts like crap each and every day.  It's hard to drive to the job you have just to take care of your two wonderful little girls who treat you like a total piece of junk every morning because what they want/need is so much more important than where you need to be.  Would I change who they are, no way.  Would I hire a nanny to be abused each morning, ABSOLUTELY!!!!  Anyone need a job? 

Dieting - Day 1

This is a pretty common story....people trying to diet, failing, trying again, failing again and then giving up.  I've done the trying and failing plenty a time, but I have yet to reach the "give up" stage where I need to be cut out of my house to get to a doctor to be starved in a hospital until I can lose enough weight to have surgery.  Today is day 1 for yet another TRY at dieting and losing weight. 

I don't feel obese, but according to my WiiFit, I am.  Based on most scales for my weight/height, I am.  The way I feel around Summertime when i'm in my swimsuit...OBESE.  I would be so pleased with losing 15 lbs.  You think to yourself (as I do), 15 lbs should be a piece of cake.  A guy on The Biggest Loser can drop 15+ in one week, so you should be able to.  Well, it's never THAT easy or we'd all be thin, right?

Scott and I have done Weight Watchers before and have been successful.  I do get caught up in the dieting plans.  Tried the Special K diet.....am not suprised that if you eat a bowl of cereal that is enough to feed a finch twice a day then you lose weight.  Tried the SlimFast diet...as with most diets every snack they give you is chocolate based somehow.  I don't like chocolate, so I would have to force myself to eat it. The shakes are sweet (chocolate, vanilla, strawberry), the snacks are chocolate something and then I get one really healthy meal.  NOT for me!  Went vegan at one point which I know is not a weight loss plan but just a way of eating.  It was not THAT hard, but if you can not program your mind to hate meat, you can't make it work.  Joined bootcamp and it kicked my A$$, it worked, I lost inches, but as with most things you want to weigh less, not lose inches.  I did get stronger and i'd suggest bootcamp to ANYONE.  And with all these plans, this is not a slamfest, just what I have found for myself with each of them.  I even did the Hollywood Diet drink where you drink this orange stuff for 24 hours, maybe longer...I thought I was dying of starvation.

So, back to Weight Watchers I go.  #1 because I know it works for me and #2 because I can get Scott on board with it and it won't be AS hard if we are both doing it.  Already i'm struggling because I want pizza.  Yes, it's 9am in the morning and I want it.  Because I can't have it.  Not the kind I want....the cheesy hot yummy kind that I could eat each and every single day.  No candy, no alcohol, all the fun things I want to eat and will now want them a thousand times more because I can't have them.  I suspect my family will be running for the hills over the next few weeks each time they hear me pull up. 

Day #1 for the Fat Toad:

Cows

When you see cows, which most of you should each day as I do driving into the office, do you ever "wonder" about them....aside from the fact that they may be on your plate as your next hamburger?  On my way into work today I saw a pasture full of cows...as I said...I do everyday because I live in the country and cows are everywhere.  There was a group of about 10 baby cows (yes, I know they are called a calf, but I like baby cow) all together just hanging out.  I started to think "do they hang out cause that's what little ones do when they are all out together?".  There have been times where i'll see a group of these baby cows all laying down and a momma cow just kind of hanging around them while the other cows are standing around, chewing their cud.  Almost like they called for the baby cow sitter while they go stand somewhere else, because let's face it...cows don't do much more than just stand there. 

Don't take this "thinking" as me trying to convince you that cows think and therefore you should not eat them.  I like my burger as much as the next guy....or spaghetti with meat sauce.....meatballs......steak.....I digress.....but, you get my point.  I just think it's funny that there are people who think cows DO NOT think, so they say "moo" to them cause that is funny, right?  And the cow looks at you and you think the cow is NOT thinking at all and that is why it's just staring at you, when in reality there is a chance that cow is thinking what a total idiot you are moo'ing at it when you are obviously not a cow. 

These are just things that make me wonder at times......todays wonder was the little cow society I saw on my way to work.....

New Love - PUKE!

Without sounding as though I do not love my husband I have recently been exposed to a "new love" and am not sure if I am jealous or just want to vomit.  No seriously, I think it's wonderful to see two people who are in the "new" stages of dating.  I recently had lunch with a very close friend who has found a new love and he is so giddy that I actually had to tell him and his new love to quit touching each other.  :-)  I used to think that people hated seeing Scott and I together because although we've been married about 9 years we still sit on the same side of the table when we go out, we still hold hands, and by all appearances we just started dating.  Sometimes we would go out to eat and look at other people who looked absolutely miserable together and say to each other how we NEVER wanted to look like that.  I mean if you can't even go out to eat and be enjoying each others company, what's the point? 

I guess once your an "old married folk" you forget about the stages you go through when you have first met someone.....you are generally the skinniest that you have been since high school.  You look forward to EVERYTHING together because you have so much to experience. All is new and there is so much to learn.  You can't stand to be away from each other and if you were  a rabbit, you'd have an entire house top to bottom with baby rabbits. 

I am guilty as I know most are who have been married for a while to fall into the "natural" progression of marriage.  You may not shave your legs everyday anymore...a baggy ol' t-shirt is acceptable bedtime attire, and you quit looking forward to walking in the door because let's face it, you know when you get there, it's laundry, dishes and kids and no longer just the anticipation of seeing your spouse because you've been without him all day.  The saddest part of this is that it happens without you realizing it and for couples you wake up one day and realize it's too late to try to find some of that "new love" still in there. 

Moral of this story is not to worry that Scott and I are doomed because we frequently are trying to enjoy each other and keep the "sparkle" going, but that should your marriage consist of sitting at Arby's barely speaking to each other from across the table, find a way to make it "new"....at least on some level.....maybe toss that t-shirt (no chance Jarvis).....shave your legs more than once a week......or walk into the house and greet your husband as though you thought you'd never see him again (I can definately do this more). 

Breakfast Commercials are crap!

I am certain that most companies realize that not only is the sun NOT shining at 6:30 a.m. in the morning when I begin to get ready for work, but my kids are also not the cheery little monkeys coming to the table dressed, backpacks in hand, ready for yet another day of school (which they hate).  Who are these moms who have a bacon/eggs/toast/pancakes and a bowl of cereal breakfast ready for their kids....cheery kids at that? 

To top it off I see a toaster strudel commercial talking about how lame a poptart is.....which in turn makes me feel even worse as a parent because often I try to push a poptart in the hands of my kids who i've been yelling at since 6:30 to get ready.....15 more minutes....14 more minutes....13 more minutes...quit fighting and why are you even speaking to each other....get ready to go......12 more minutes.....you get the picture here, right? 

I dream of a day other than Saturday/Sunday that I can get up, sun shining, and i'm dressed, hair did, make-up on, setting my beautiful breakfast table (flowers included) at my breakfast nook styled kitchen and my cheery happy to be up at 6:30 girls are coming to the table smiling and ready for another day of learning!